The Freemason

I am not a Freemason. In fact I do not know anything about the organization, like how they are structured or even what they do. I am; however, quite talented at creating and designing unique formations. My talent does not involve complex math calculations or the ability to use my hands to cut and design rocks into amazing designs. I have a completly different talent that most would find painful--my body has been known to produces kidney stones in mass quantities!

I have been told that having a kidney stone is much like giving birth. Since I am not a female, nor have I delivered a child, I can not say with much accuracy whether or not this true. But I am going to jump and make some assumptions of how they may be similar. For instance, both hurt a lot and make the said expectant pusher create some colorful language that might not be proper to say in public settings, and both can also take a long and painful time to deliver.

However, it is important to be fair and point out the differences. For one thing, giving birth to a child is a beautiful experience that leaves you with a wonderful bundle of joy to love and cherish. Giving birth to a jagged little rock simply leaves you in bewilderment wondering, how was that created inside me?  More importantly, it makes you worry about the damages that it caused as it tumbled and tore its way through your body until it decided to come out into the world. You are not left with a bundle of joy, but rather a unique treasure to show off to friends and family.

I have been known to pass ten to twelve stones a year. I have had small stones, big stones, stones that pass with ease, stones that take extra time, stones that put me in a fetal position and make me cry like a little girl who found out that Santa is not real (this seriously makes Pam question the man she married) as well as stones that have required three surgeries in the past sixteen years!

One can say that they have become a steady part of my life. It has not been a part of my life that I have enjoyed or would wish on even my worst enemy. Through the years, I have tried many different tricks and concoctions in the past in order to find a cure to stop production of this rock factory in my kidneys, but with little or no luck!

With that being said, I am proud to announce that for the past year I have been stone free! A year ago January, I had my last surgery to bust up a kidney stone that was the size of a penny inside me. The bad thing about having this type of surgery is that you still have to pass the little jagged joys of delight. It took me just over a month to get the last of the sandbox out of my system. Happily I passed the last stone baby a year ago and have been free of the masons holding meetings inside my kidneys ever since!

The past year has taken me into some interesting procedures and tests of day long urine samples and blood draws.The tests lead to a special diet to follow and more medicine to put in my system. The diet has taken out some of the simple joys in my life that I have to be careful not to partake in. For instance, I rarely drink anything but water and lemon juice. Okay, maybe on certain occasions, I still have an adult beverage or two. But for the most part, it is just water and lemon juice. I don’t miss soda nearly as much as I thought I would. On the very rare occasions that I do drink a fully carbonated sugary drink, I find myself feeling extremely fidgety, wired and bloated all at the same time. People that personally know me understand that I need no reason to be more fidgety or wired than I already am!  I struggle to sit still and fidget more than a toddler on a long plane ride with no toys.

I must say that I have enjoyed the last year and look forward to many more--free of the masons holding meetings inside me. I do not know if I will have another stone or not. But, I am thankful that I have not had even one, much less ten in the past year!